Clearly I need wardrobe help -- I look like Bluto from the Popeye Cartoon

My friend Sue was aghast that I actually got sucked into bidding on one of those Internet “Groupon” type deals.  “You mean you spent $80 for someone to go shopping with you?  I would have done that for you for free!”  I explained that it was a great bargain because normally, the woman charges more than double that amount.  Sue then muttered something about how that it’s kind of like getting half-priced tap water.

The truth is, when it comes to clothes shopping, I am overwhelmed and completely paralyzed when I walk into a store. If I find something I like, inevitably, the price is something equivalent to the GNP of a small Carribean island nation. But mainly, nothing looks or feels quite right.

I don’t even attempt to shop at places like TJ Maxx, Marshalls, Ross, etc.  (BTW, whatever happened to Frugal Fannies?) That’s just pandemonium.  I can’t even cross those thresholds.  TOO. MUCH. STUFF.  Racks of “irregulars” all crammed together with sizes arranged randomly.  Most of it garbage — that’s why it’s here!  (Although not a discount store, I find the above applies to Macy’s too).  Unabashedly, the store throws in blouses stained with lipstick and sweaters with small holes.  They don’t have to defend it because of the low price.

Can someone please introduce a bill in Congress to outlaw the following garment nightmares: polyester, empire waists (EVERYONE wearing these appear to be pregnant), cap sleeves (holy sausage arm city Batman!), gray tops or sweaters (EVERYONE looks ashen and on death’s doorstep in this non-color), A-line skirts (whom do these flatter?  June Cleaver?)…should I go on?  Some styles need to be put to bed. FOREVER.

I read about a brilliant scheme in the local paper.  A VERY expensive blue jeans store in Bethesda was busted for providing free alcohol to customers as a kind of spending lubricant.  How come no one ever offers me a Bud Light when I’m shopping at Old Navy?  I think this would help to alleviate a lot of my shopping anxiety.  Not so subtly, they served booze to women to reduce their negative feelings about shopping for jeans which is only marginally less miserable than trying to find a bathing suit that fits and looks good.

*Postscript: this post was originally published on April 1. The store giving out champagne to its blue jeans customers is now closed.  Hmmm. I wonder why. Seeing a $275 pricetag has a sobering effect on all but the most inebriated shopper.

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